I haven’t updated my genealogy site in a while now and that is most definitely unusual. Genealogy isn’t just a hobby for me…it is a passion. I can’t say I haven’t had the time to work on it either. I’ve had plenty of time, but I just haven’t had the heart for it lately. To be honest, I haven’t had the heart for much of anything lately.
I’ve found myself spending a lot of mindless, quiet time alone. I’ve been very reflective but, until now, I haven’t really tried to put my feelings into words. Maybe now it’s time. Maybe now I can.
I’m sure it is hard for most folks to understand but the death of a cop, any cop, is extremely unsettling to every cop. We really are a family in what we do and, any time one of us is killed, we all know how easily it could have been any of us. Even one is too many but lately it seems like a flood and it hurts more than I can explain.
It’s been a long time since I’ve worked the street, but times like this remind me that this is who I am too. Twenty-two years ago I took the same oath that they did, promised the same loyalty, understood that I was declaring my willingness to lay down my life for someone else. By the grace of God, it is a sacrifice I never had to make and a devastating pain my family and friends didn’t have to endure. But, I feel like every time a cop dies lately, a part of me dies too, and I’m tired.
I don’t want to hurt any more. I don’t want to have to drape my badge even one more time and realize that it could’ve been me. Sometimes I feel like I need to throw things and scream and yell until I can’t throw things or scream and yell anymore. I need to get this out and deal with it and give myself the time to heal.
Thanks for listening.