Archive for February, 2007

The Headline of the Day

Tuesday, February 20th, 2007

Here’s a headline for you:

3 American Women Briefly Kidnapped and Released

I’m not sure but I think here in the United States we call that a “date”.

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Static Hair Day

Tuesday, February 20th, 2007

I have so much static electricity in my hair today, I could power my whole house with just my head! I’m off to get a haircut after work to remedy the problem…hopefully. Of course that means that tomorrow morning someone will inevitably say to me, “You got your hair cut!”…to which I will reply, “Thanks, I knew something was different but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.”

Why do people make such stupid statements? Don’t they know that if my hair got cut then I was probably there for the cutting? Maybe they think I was in a coma and, while I was unconscious, someone did me a favor and got my hair cut. Yeah, that’s probably what they think. Duh. Some people just shouldn’t ever be let out of the house.

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As I Get Older…

Monday, February 19th, 2007

I have added a new category and today is the kickoff for it. I decided I needed to share some of the wealth of information I have amassed over the decades so you young folks will know what’s coming. I will be adding to it as the muse inspires me.

As I Get Older…

I have phantom pains
And mystery bruises
One big hearty laugh
And my bladder oozes

Varicose veins
And two crunchy knees
Lactose intolerant
Pardon me please

Wake up each morning
“Good Lord” I proclaim
I’ve channeled Fred Sanford
We shuffle the same

Slowly I stumble
Bathroom by Braille
Thank God Almighty
The shower has rails

Finally I make it
Out the front door
Forgot my car keys
Back in once more

Mindlessly follow
The commuter masses
Can’t see a thing
Without tri-focal glasses

More to come…

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More Funnies from Kellie

Friday, February 16th, 2007

They Walk among us!

I walked into a Burger King with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said “buy one-get one free”.

“They’re already buy-one-get-one-free”, she said, “so I guess they’re both free”.

She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail.

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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”

They Walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?”

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.”

They Walk Among Us!!

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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?”

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”

They Walk Among Us!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

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I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me,”has your plane arrived yet?”

They Walk Among Us!

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While at a Pizza Hut I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

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Some may even vote…AND…they reproduce!

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The Saga of the Crusty Nose

Thursday, February 15th, 2007

This is the first time I have posted here about this so don’t think you missed something. Some of you know that I have been dealing with a problem with my oldest pup, Sophie (she’s three). She has a habit of jumping into the lattice which I have attached to the top of my fence all around the yard. I initially installed the lattice to keep Miss Long Legs from accidentally going over the fence. Of course it would be an accident if she went over the fence! She loves her Mommy and would never intentionally go over it. Just take that notion completely out of your mind.

Sophie doesn’t jump into the lattice just for something to do…no, no…she is usually barking at the top of her lungs and trying to alert the neighborhood that an interloper is in the area. The interloper is usually in the form of a rabbit, a cat, or a stray pup. Whilst barking she of course must jump as high as possible to be sure her alert is carried to the far reaches of the neighborhood. Herein lies the problem. She continually smacks her nose into the lattice and not only damages the lattice, but damages her nose as well. The nose damage actually worsened when I lined the lattice with “poultry fencing” (that’s another story completely) to keep said Town Crier from breaking the lattice off and, again totally by accident, going over the fence.

In many ways however, the “poultry fencing” has decreased her bouts of jumping into the lattice since smacking one’s nose into “poultry fencing” can be quite uncomfortable. Her nose however, doesn’t seem to want to heal. I know that continually reinjuring the nose doesn’t help either but even using Neosporin on it hasn’t seemed to help. Plus, she licks that off anyway. Eww.

This past Friday I took her to the Vet for her normal check-up and Dog Doctor Dude got very concerned about her nose and even busted out the medical books to show me pictures. He suspects that she has an auto immune diease (like Lupus, etc) that is causing the problem with her nose. WHAT? I certainly didn’t see that one coming. I also didn’t see the $367.00 bill for the necessary bloodwork to rule out an auto immune disease. Thank God for tax refunds.

Anyway, he opted not to give her the shots she was due for in case we are dealing with an auto immune problem and they could aggravate it. Now came the waiting for the bloodwork results to come back.

Here’s a photo of the Crusty Nose:

I finally got the results Tuesday afternoon and they were all negative, thank God. Dog Doctor Dude, however, was still pushing for an aggressive treatment and recommended a biopsy of the nose. Again, WHAT? He explained the cookie cutter type of procedure the biopsy would entail as well as the fact that she would have to be put under anesthesia and would have stitches. Again, WHAT?

After sufficiently scaring the *#%#$$ out of me, he did acquiesce to a much less aggressive avenue in which we would treat her with antibiotics and a topical solution in the hopes that she simply has a skin infection of some sort that has been made worse by slamming her nose into the lattice and “poultry fencing”. Another $142.00 and I have medication for her for the next two weeks.

The antibiotics are no big deal as I can just put them in her food and she eats them without even noticing. The drops are another story however. She is not liking the drops. I was hoping for a gel or cream but no…they are drops. Dog Doctor Dude even went as far as to direct me to try to keep her from licking the medication off of her nose for a few seconds. Yeah, ok, like that’s gonna happen. She did lick at it but she apparently didn’t like the taste too much so she didn’t lick too much.

Still, this is going to be an endeavor but I hope that it does the trick and we don’t have to go the cookie cutter route. Ouch.

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Crime Prevention Tip

Wednesday, February 14th, 2007

All I can say is WOW!

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Heard it Myself

Wednesday, February 14th, 2007

Sitting in the drive thru line at Mcdonalds…the young man in the vehicle in front of me says this:

“I’d like two double cheeseburgers with no cheese.”

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A Funny from Kellie

Wednesday, February 14th, 2007

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer. “I need to inspect your farm.”

The old farmer said, “You better not go in that field.”

The Agriculture representative said in a wise tone, “I have the authority of the U.S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land.”

So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence. Close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

The Old farmer called out, “Show him your card!”

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Ummmm, Not Such a Good Idea

Tuesday, February 13th, 2007

Can you say “cocaine” children? Teacher Snorts Drugs in Front of Class

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Fun with Headlines

Tuesday, February 13th, 2007

I saw this headline on my Google desktop today:

And I thought to myself:

Then I read the article and THEY MISSED THE WHOLE POINT! No, no, no, the risk of injury is not to the woman…the risk of injury is to men, other women, children, and the public in general! I think I can even go as far as to say that the risk of injury in many, many menstrual cycle cases is pretty much guaranteed.

Are you with me ladies? Have you not felt the inescapable impulse to do great bodily harm at certain times of the month? Have you not felt that every one of your actions would be legally justifiable given the circumstance and the intended victim’s misguided judgement that caused them to get in your way in the first place?

Injury to the woman? PSHAW!!

Sorry Aunt Joyce but I am going there. :D

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